


Icha Icha

by OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor



Series: Naruto Drabbles [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Background shikatema, M/M, essentially ninja sex ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-09 07:30:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12271782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor/pseuds/OnceAndAlwaysEnglishMajor
Summary: Gaara asks questions that Kankuro isn't willing to answer, so he turns to Jiraiya's trashy romance novels as a source of information. This does not go well.





	1. Chapter 1

      Gaara watched the progress of Temari and Shikamaru from the window of his apartment. The pair was holding hands as they walked down the street. Gaara sighed as he let the curtain drop back into place.   
     “Kankuro, I need you to explain it me,” Gaara said. Kankuro looked up from where he was rummaging in the fridge.  
     “What?”   
      “Temari and Shikamaru,” Gaara said. “Why are they…” He paused, searching for the word, “together?”   
      “Because she likes him?” Kankuro said. Gaara shook his head.   
      “No, I’m not making myself clear. Why the hand holding? And why were they touching in the hallway the other night? And why did the freak out and jump apart when they saw me?” Gaara asked. Kankuro dragged a hand across his face.   
      “They were making out in the hallway? Gross. I’m going to talk to Temari about boundaries in the apartment,” Kankuro muttered. He looked at Gaara, who was still watching him for an answer.   
      “I have not had enough alcohol for this conversation,” Kankuro groaned.  
      “It’s 10 in the morning,” Gaara said.  
      “Exactly!” Kankuro snapped. “You’re the Kazekage, how can you still be this naive?” Gaara shrugged slightly hurt by his brother's words.   
     “Very well, Kankuro, I will figure it out on my own.” Kankuro knew he had been harsh, but he really didn’t want to have this conversation with his brother. Relenting slightly, he said,   
      “Why don’t you ask Tema and Shikamaru about it? Since this is all their fault,” he added under his breath. Gaara nodded slowly, and Kankuro sighed in relief.

***  
     Gaara sat cross-legged on the couch, a book open on his knees.   
     “What are you reading?” Temari asked, setting her fan by the door as she came inside. Gaara held up the brightly colored book and Temari paled.   
     “Gaara, why are you reading that?” She asked, fighting to keep her voice even. Why was her brother reading the sanin’s trashy novels? (Temari knew they were trashy, though she would never admit to anyone that she’d read them herself.)   
     “Kankuro wouldn’t explain to me what’s going on with you and Shikamaru. I’m doing research,” Gaara said, setting the novel across his knee to look at his sister.   
      “Gaara, maybe that isn’t what you should be reading,” Temari said.  
      “But Kankuro said I’m too naive. The Kazekage shouldn’t be naive,” Gaara said, as it it was the most logical thing in the world. To him it probably was. Temari pinched the bridge of her nose. She could either try to explain why she wanted to pin Shikamaru Nara to a wall to her baby brother, or let him continue reading a smutty romance and draw his own conclusions. How much harm could it really do?

Lots. The answer was lots. Kankuro, Temari, and Baki were at a loss. Gaara had So. Many. Questions.

  
***  
     “Baki, what does ‘cock blocked’ mean?” Gaara asked his mentor.  
     “Where did you hear such a phrase?” Baki asked.Gaara pulled out the latest Icha Icha book he was reading. Baki did his best not to show any reaction. Temari had warned him that this might happen, and he was one of the few people the Kazekage trusted enough to ask. Baki wondered if it was too late to give the young leader ‘the talk’, if it would do any good at this point. For now, he just answered Gaara’s question.   
      “It means there is another person getting in the way of a… Conquest.” Baki said.  
      “Thank-you, sensi,” Gaara said, wandering away. Baki slumped as Gaara walked away. He’d done all right with Temari and Kankuro, but somewhere along the line he’d definitely missed a step with Gaara. 

***  
     Kankuro tensed as Gaara walked into their kitchen with an Icha Icha volume held loosely in his hand. It was getting harder and harder to avoid Gaara’s awkward questions. Kankuro just didn’t want to deal with any of this. He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to acknowledge it, certainly didn’t want to think about either of his siblings in that context. Much better to just ignore it.   
     “If it’s too weird, I’m not answering,” Kankuro said, sliding a sandwich across the table to his brother.   
     “That’s fair,” Gaara said.   
      “Let’s hope this doesn’t ruin my appetite,” Kankuro said.   
      “Is that even possible?” Gaara asked.   
      “Let’s not find out,” Kankuro said. “But ask away.”   
     “What’s a third wheel?” Gaara asked.   
     “Oh thank goodness!” Kankuro said, taking a big bite of his sandwich. “This one I can handle. It’s us, whenever Temari wants to spend time with Shikamaru. We get in the way of the, uh, romance.”   
     “In the way how?” Gaara asked.   
     “Um, like, they can’t kiss and stuff with us here, because it would be weird. And uncomfortable. And you just don’t do it. Eat your sandwich.” Kankuro instructed. 

***  
     That damned book was a sure sign the conversation was going to get uncomfortable, Temari thought. But Gaara was so earnest and genuinely curious, how was she supposed to shut him down? And at least it was just her, Kankuro, and Baki he was traumatizing. She took a moment to be deeply thankful that Naruto was far far away in the Leaf, and nowhere her brother could decided to have a conversation that could only end in disaster with the hyperactive blond. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Temari said,  
      “What this time?” Gaara showed her a passage in the book and Temari’s eye widened.   
      “I don’t think this is physically possible,” Gaara said. “Would that actually work?”   
      “Uh, let’s just call that one poetic license, all right?” Temari said.   
      “All right,” Gaara said. 

***  
     “Temari? Kankuro?”   
Temari glanced at her youngest brother in his usual spot on the couch, cross-legged with a book open on his knees. He closed the book when he had their attention, a sure sign he had several thing on his mind. Kankuro groaned and buried his face in his hands. He thought for sure the questions would stop after Baki sat the Kazekage down and explained the basic logistics to him, but that hadn’t been the case. Gaara kept reading and kept asking the most awkward questions. Kankuro was beginning to wonder if he was being punished for something.   
      “I’m out,” Kankuro said, starting to stand up. Temari’s arm shot out, catching him in the chest and knocking him back onto the couch.  
      “This is half your fault, you have to stick it out,” she hissed.   
     “Well, it was mostly you and Shikamaru being all over each other!” Kankuro yelled back.   
     “I said I was sorry, all right? You could have just answered the question in thee first place!” She snapped.  
     “How! I don’t even know how to answer half of this! That Jiraiya is a kinky piece of shit!” Kankuro growled. Gaara waited patiently for his siblings to finish arguing. When they starting glaring at each other in silence, he asked his first question.  
     “Why do all the girls in the village follow me around? And act sort of like the characters in the novel? I don’t look like the protagonist.” Gaara said. It had been bothering him since he started to connect the behaviors of some of the village girls to the behaviors of some of the characters in Jiraiya’s stories. Because he definitely didn’t fit the descriptions of the protagonist. Temari scooted closer to Gaara, ruffling his hair.   
     “Oh, Gaara, you are handsome, just in a different way. Different people like different things. And you’re kind.” Temari’s mind flashed to the sweet child Gaara had been, to the monster their father had forced him to become, to the person he was now, who cared so much and tried so hard.   
      “And you’re the Kazekage,” Kankuro said. “People find power attractive too.” Temari glared at him.   
      “What? It’s true!” Kankuro defended.   
      “Enough,” Gaara said, making a placating gesture toward his siblings. “Another question: Why does Naruto try to peep at the onsen? It only gets him beat up. The protagonist does it too,” Gaara said, gesturing with the novel. “Is the female anatomy really that appealing?”   
      “To some,” Temari said slowly. Kankuro groaned and slid off the couch. He pulled his knees up and hid his face.   
      “Tema, please tell me you have some sake stashed away somewhere. Because I am not having this conversation and I am definitely not having it sober,” Kankuro said, his voice muffled.   
      “I could just ask Naruto why he does it,” Gaara mused.   
      “NO!” Kankuro and Temari shouted at the same time. If there was anything worse than Gaara reading Icha Icha for information, it would probably be asking Naruto.   
       “I’m going to end Jiraiya next time I see him,” Temari muttered to herself.

***  
      “Lord Kazekage,” Rock Lee said, a study in formality, “ I bring a message from Lady Tsunade. Gaara took the letter that was handed to him, read it over, then set it aside. A small smile tipped his lips.  
       “It’s good to see you, Rock.” The Leaf ninja grinned back at him.   
       “And you, Gaara! Er, Lord Kazekage,” Lee corrected himself.   
       “Just Gaara,” the redhead said. “I have some business to finish, but we should have supper when I’m done?”   
       “I would like that very much!” Rock Lee said enthusiastically. Gaara smiled wider, and set up a time and place to meet with the leaf shinobi.

       Rock Lee had never seen Gaara drunk. But he was definitely drunk now, his eyes too bright, voice too loud, though Rick doubted it would be noticeable to someone who didn’t know him well. Still, he needed to get the Kazekage home before someone noticed.   
      “It’s late. We should get going,” Rock prodded the sand ninja. Gaara pouted-- actually pouted!-- but stood up at Rock’s urging. He tugged on Gaara’s sleeve, guiding him, but trying to stay inconspicuous. He breathed a sigh of relief as they made it into the dark mostly deserted street. Rock slipped an arm around Gaara’s waist, keeping the other man on his feet. He was surprised at how slight Gaara actually was, under the robes and the persona of the Kazekage, fragile like a bird. Gaara buried his face in Rock Lee’s shoulder.   
     “You smell good,” Gaara muttered. Rock Lee colored.  
     “Um, thank you, Gaara,” he managed to say. Gaara’s fingers started tracing patterns on Rock’s ribs, and it was all the shinobi could do to stay focused on finding his way back to Gaara’s apartment. Temari and Kankuro are going to kill me, he thought, for letting Gaara get this drunk. But the apartment was dark when they arrived.   
     “Gaara, where are your keys?” Rock asked.   
     “Hmm?” Gaara hummed, fingers still light on Rock Lee’s ribs.   
     “Gaara!” Rock prompted again. “Keys?”   
     “Mmm, yes,” Gaara said, finally taking his hands off Rock to dig for his keys. Rock snatched the keys as soon as they appeared, slotting them into the door. He let his shoulders slump with relief once Gaara was safely inside the apartment.   
     “G-Gaara!” Rock stuttered as the Kazekage pushed him back against the door. “W-what are you doing?”   
     “You hopefully,” Gaara said, giving Lee his best seductive look. Rock pushed himself away from the door, taking a couple steps farther into the apartment.   
     “Gaara, you can't say such things,” Lee said earnestly.   
      “Why not? It works in the books,” Gaara said, pointing to his stack of Icha Icha. “Don't you like me?” Gaara asked.   
     “Of course I do,” Rock said.   
     “Then what’s the problem?” Gaara asked, taking a step forward.   
     “You’re drunk,” Lee said flatly. “You may not even remember this in the morning.”  
     “Doesn’t matter,” Gaara slurred. “ ‘S always this way. Always like you.” Rock Lee swallowed hard.   
     “If you really mean that, Gaara, we can talk about it in the morning, when you’re sober.”  
     “Stay?” Gaara asked. “Please?” Rock Lee sighed.   
     “Of course,” he said. He let Gaara step closer, wrapped his arms around Gaara’s slight shoulders as the sand ninja pressed his face into Rock’s chest. Rock tried to take a step back, to steady them both, but tripped over the corner of the coffee table, sending them both crashing into the couch.   
     “Gaara, are you ok?” Rock ask, ignoring the fact that he was the one who had taken most of the blow.   
     “I’m fine,” Gaara hummed, moving just enough to straddle Rock’s hips.   
     “Here, let’s sit up,” Rock said starting to shift. He froze when Gaara’s lips pressed against his. They were soft and warm and perfect, Rock Lee thought.   
     “Gaara, we shouldn’t,” he murmured against the other’s lips. Gaara tried to slip his tongue into Rock’s mouth. Placing both hands on the Kazekage’s chest, Lee pushed him up, creating some distance between the two of them. Gaara opened his eyes, confused.  
     “Not while you’re drunk,” Rock said firmly. “No kissing until you’re sober.” He lowered Gaara back against his chest. “Please remember this in the morning,” he whispered. Gaara hummed in agreement, already drifting off to sleep.

     The lights flicked on and Rock Lee squinted at the sudden brightness.   
     “What the hell?” Temari said, staring at Gaara and Rock Lee tangled on the the couch.   
     “What?” Kankuro asked as he edged around Temari enough to see. “Fuck.” Rock Lee winced, eyes darting from one to the other.   
     “So help me, if you took advantage of my brother…” Temari let the sentence trail off, her meaning all too clear.   
     “NO!” Rock said forcefully. Gaara stirred and pressed his face against Rock’s chest. “No,” the leaf shinobi repeated quietly.   “I would never do anything to hurt Gaara.” Temari twirled her fan threateningly.   
     “Start talking,” she said.   
     “I just wanted to get him back to his apartment before anyone realized he was drunk,” Lee explained. “I've never seen him casually drink like last night. But I got him here, then…” Rock Lee paused, his face coloring. “He was, ah, quite persistent. But I told him no, not until he's sober. And I tripped over the table, which is how we ended up here,” he explained.   
     “Did he use an awful pick up line?” Kankuro asked with resignation.   
     “Yes,” Lee said.   
     “Those damned books,” Temari muttered. Her eyes narrowed dangerously. “When you return to the Leaf, I'm sending a message with you for Lady Tsunade. Don't worry, it's not about this, it's about making that pervy road sage accountable. You can stay for the night,” she said to Rock Lee. Her eyes softened as she looked at her younger brother. “He still doesn't sleep much,” she said by way of explanation.

     The thunk of glasses hitting the end table woke Gaara up. His head pounded dully, but he felt more rested than he had in… Well, he couldn’t even pinpoint when. He opened his eyes to see Tamari setting three mugs on the table.  
     “You,” she pointed sternly at Gaara, “get the hangover cure. Then coffee. He gets coffee.” She pointed to Rock Lee, who Gaara suddenly realized he was curled around, like the other man was some sort of teddy bear. Lee shifted, not fully dislodging Gaara, but just enough to reach his cup of coffee. Gaara found himself between the leaf shinobi’s legs, leaning back against his chest. Rock didn’t seem to mind.   
     “I’m leaving,” Temari announced, “Lee, make sure you pick up that letter before you leave.”   
     “Letter?” Gaara questioned.  
     “Something Temari asked me to take to Lady Tsunade,” Rock said with a shrug.   
     “How bad was last night?” Gaara asked. Rock shrugged again.   
     “It wasn’t bad, just… Unexpected,” Rock said. “Do… Do you still want to talk about it?” Gaara downed the vile hangover cure Temari had left for him in one gulp.   
      “How much do you remember?” Rock asked.   
     “All of it, I think,” Gaara said slowly. “I tried to kiss you.”  
     “You succeeded in kissing me,” Rock said, and Gaara could feel his chuckle where his back was still pressed to Rock’s chest.   
     “But you stopped me,” Gaara said.   
     “Face me?” Rock asked. Gaara shifted carefully until he could look at the dark-haired ninja.   
      “Yes, I stopped you,” Rock said. “But, but not because I wanted to. But you were drunk, and I didn’t want to take advantage of you. If… If I kiss you, I want you to be aware, to be able to chose, to… Want it,” Rock said haltingly. But he met Gaara’s eyes the whole time.   
     “Like...Now?” Gaara asked. His voice was barely above a whisper. He didn’t realize that he was leaning towards Rock Lee.  
     “Yeah… Like now,” Rock whispered back. Then his lips were on Gaara’s, a touch so light it was barely there. Rock pulled back, looking for Gaara’s reaction.   
     “That was… Very nice,” Gaara said, “We should do it again.” Rock laughed.   
     “I would like that as well.

***  
     Lady Tsunade read the letter Rock Lee had brought her from Temari. She fought to keep her temper in check.   
     “Shizune, make a note: We are going to kill Jiraiya. Or worse.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex Ed with Jiraiya, essentially. What could go wrong?

     Kankuro stared at his sister, arms crossed.  
     “We’re doing what?” he asked.  
     “Sending Gaara to the Leaf on official business,” Temari said. “And so Jiraiya can fix the mess he made.”  
     “Ok, I have so many problems with this, but let's start with the biggest one. Jiraiya? The pervert who got us into this mess in the first place? Is he really who you want describing the ins and outs?”  
     “Lady Tsunade is in agreement, and has plans to include several Leaf ninja.” Kankuro shook his head.  
     “Man, I wonder what Jiraiya did to piss off

***

     “You want me to do what?” Jiraiya whined, “And why… Why is the fucking Kazekage on the list of students?”  
     “Because I got a concerned letter from the Kazekage’s sister, who is very tired of attempting to answer questions brought up from the reading of your books.” Tsunade said shortly.  
     “The Kazekage reads my books?”  
     “Not the point, Jiraiya,” Tsunade said with a sigh. Jiraiya continued reading through the list she’d handed to him.  
     “Sai? Rock Lee? Naruto? I don’t know if there’s anything else I can teach Naruto at this point…” Jiraiya mused. Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose.  
     “Do I even want to know what he picked up traveling with you? No, no, I really don’t. And I’m not talking about the kind of embellished nonsense you put in your books. These kids need actual information.”  
     “And you really think I’m the one to do that?” Jiraiya asked. Tsunade leveled a stare at him that was known to bring enemies to their knees. After lifelong exposure, Jiraiya didn’t even flinch.  
     “You made the mess, you fix it,” Tsunade said.  
     “Indirectly,” Jiraiya muttered. Tsunade pretended not to hear.  
     “Now, the Kazekage is expected in a week, I suggest you figure out how to explain yourself in that time.”

***

     Jiraiya surveyed his students, hands on hips. Naruto glared belligerently back. Sai and Gaara both seemed unconcerned. Lee shuffled uneasily.  
     “Well, you all know what today’s about, let’s get it over with,” Jiraiya said. “Follow me.”  
     “The onsen?” Naruto shouted. “Why the hell are we at the onsen? I don’t want get into trouble today!”  
     “Shush, we’re not going to get into trouble, it’s about promoting an air of openness!” Jiraiya waved dismissively. “Now get inside and strip down!”

     “Now, as you may know, the Lady Tsunade decided that this little gathering would be a good idea, so we are here to discuss my Icha Icha series and the, uh, adult themes at work,” Jiraiya said.  
     “You mean smut,” Naruto muttered, arms crossed.  
     “It’s art,” Jiraiya growled. Gaara raised his hand.  
     “If it’s art, does that mean that the situations depicted are not strictly accurate? Because some of the lines that were successful in the book were unsuccessful when attempted.” Rock Lee made a strangled noise and sank into the water to his eyes.  
     “Of course it doesn’t work!” Naruto huffed. “I traveled with this guy, none of his pervy tactics ever work! We spent so much time getting chased out of places!”  
     “You shut your mouth,” Jiraiya growled, “Tsunade chose me to give this very important lesson for a reason!” Naruto crossed his arms and sunk farther down into the water, glaring at Jiraiya. Sai raised his hand.  
     “This is a discussion, not a classroom,” Jiraiya said. “Just ask your questions.”  
     “What is the purpose of a blow job?” Sai asked. “Is it merely to gain a physical response, or are their emotions attached?”  
     “Guy-sensi says any act of physical intimacy forms an emotional bond!” Rock Lee said, forgetting his embarrassment for a moment. Naruto groaned and slouched farther down in the water. Gaara and Sai both looked to Jiraiya for his response. Jiraiya closed his eyes a took a deep breath. This was going to be a long day.  
      “All right kids, buckle up, you’re in for quite a ride today. And yes, we can can discuss the innuendo potential of such statements!”  
     “You could at least buy us dinner first,” Naruto muttered.  
     “Listen, participate, and keep us all in Tsunade’s good graces, and I’ll buy you all dinner after, ok?”  
     “Ichiraku ramen?” Naruto prodded.  
     “Fine,” Jiraiya said.  
     “Yeah!” Naruto punched the air enthusiastically. “Let’s get this started! Sai already asked about blow jobs, what else have you got? You never did explain what I walked in on that one time in…”  
     “Naruto! I told you never to bring that up again!” Jiraiya shouted.  
     “How exactly does the act of intercourse lead to babies?” Rock Lee asked. The question shocked Jiraiya out of his argument with Naruto.  
     “What? Did Guy not explain that to you?” He asked. Rock Lee shook his head, heat coloring his face.  
     “N-no, he just said that it… Does. And, um, he wasn’t so good with the , uh, details. Mostly just talked about the, uh, passion of youth…” Rock Lee stuttered. Jiraiya dragged a hand down his face.  
     “Looks like I’m going to have to start from the very beginning,” Jiraiya said with a sigh.  
     “When a boy likes a girl very much...What is it, Gaara, and what did I say about raising your hand?”  
     “What about two boys?” Gaara asked. “Is… Is that a thing?”  
     “Well, yeah,” Jiraiya said. “Ok, listen, we’re going to talk through one variant at a time, and hopefully answer everyone’s questions. This is going to be a long day,” Jiraiya muttered to himself.

***  
     So many questions, Jiraiya thought, head drooping toward his bowl of ramen. His pupils were downing their food with gusto. Jiraiya winced, remembering that he was paying for all four boys. This should land him in Tsunade’s good graces, at least for a little bit. And he did feel some sense of accomplishment, having to disabused the ninja of some of their stranger ideas about romance and sexuality. He passed out handfuls of condoms as the boys left the restaurant.  
     “Wrap before you tap, all right? I don’t want any of you to be parents yet.” He sighed as the ninja dispersed.  
     “Thank god that’s over.”


End file.
